Pain vs Gain Part II

All the Paracetamol are driving me mad. Today I ripped a leftover red nose from Red Nose Day in half and it kind of looks like the sliced open, dismembered head of a World War 1 soldier from the book I'm reading...(great book by the way, I highly recommend it)

Booked a dentist appointment for Friday. Decided that general members of the public shouldn't be encouraged to go on the IDOYT diet.

Pain vs Gain

Further to Andokun’s most recent blog, I have also inadvertently stumbled across an exciting new way to keep food bills down… drugging myself!

After dealing with hideous toothache on Sunday, I decided that the best way to deal with the pain before going to the dentist would be to swallow enough Paracetamol to sedate a rhino. As well as this having a lovely numbing sensation to the problem area as well as the rest of my body, another positive side effect to this is that I seem to have lost all of my normally vigorous appetite. I haven’t eaten in 24 hours and I’m not the slightest bit peckish!

Forget the Atkins, the South Beach and Slim Fast… try the new Ramaldo “I’m Drugged Off mY Tits” (IDOYT) Diet! This incredibly cheap system (a pack of 16 Paracetamol only cost 15p these days!!) not only takes the edge of dieting but also off life. Side effects MAY include major liver damage but who can put a price on losing those stubborn inches?!

I’ll update you on this miracle diet drug soon (If I’m still alive).

Healthy vs Wealthy

I'm sure many of you are aware of a recent news story regarding a British family who are all claiming disability allowance on the grounds that they are all incapacitated by obesity. The family claims that none of them are able to work due to their weight problem and as such require benefits.

Now many could use/have used this to whinge about tax payers' money and idle layabouts etc in a very Daily Mail-esque manner, however none of those things concern me. What I am interested in is their budget. The family supposedly receives the equivalent of a £30k a year salary between the four of them; from this they say they have a food budget of £50 a week to feed four of them. They have claimed that this an insufficient amount to feed a family of four and they are therefore unable to eat healthy foods (such as fruit and vegetables) due to the aforementioned budget constrictions. As such they are forced to always opt for unhealthy options (ready meals etc) as these are cheaper.

It is this that has particularly intrigued me and lead me to my next personal challenge. Next week - commencing from Monday 23rd - I am going to try and survive for the week on a budget of £12.50 (1/4 of their £50 weekly budget) for all my food and drink requirements. I'm not trying to prove a point or be clever; I am just interested to see how difficult it is to have a healthy balanced diet (which is what I'm all about these days) on such a meager budget. Will see how it goes anyway - stay tuned.

Dear Shower...

Shower: What up fool! How'd you like your shower today - too hot or too cold?

Me: Is there any chance of a happy medium?

Shower: ...?

Me: You know - like just warm or a moderate temperature?

Shower: I can't understand a word you're saying.

Me: Ok ok - on the one hand we have hot, on the other hand we have cold; put you hands together. What do you get?

Shower: I can't even talk to you. You're just talking nonsense.

Me: Can you atleast try and imagine a temperature between hot and cold?

Shower: Tell you what - you seem to like imagining things; you just came up with this conversation after all. So how about, I run at whatever damn temperature I please and you just imagine it's what you wanted?

Me: I see. While we're on the subject - is there any chance you could just pick one temperature and stick to it? Rather than changing your mind every 2 minutes.

Shower: Walk away - walk away now.

Me: ...

Tired Eyes

I had a random thought.  I went to the pub.  I returned.  I made... something...

I'm going to bed now.

How London is making me bitter pt. 1

thelondonpaper.com and london lite free evening newspapers

Week One: What's this, a free newspaper? How convenient! It's great how all the people handing them out are all standing in ideal places to ensure you get a copy just before you get onto the Tube.

Here's an article in here on Lilly Allen and where she goes on a night out. I can't see why any of the ladies would buy their usual Heat magazine if they can just dip into these papers and get their fix of daily gossip. Loads of London news and things to do as well as the sport in the back too! Sure it gets my hands a little smudged with ink but hey, its a free newspaper and it gives me something to read on the way home for a few minutes. Well done to whoever set this up for coming up with a fantastic business idea. I wish I'd thought of it.

End of Year One: Just f*** off, f*** off and get out of my way!! I'm trying to get home and here you are, standing in the way of the Tube entrance making everyone walk around you as you desperately hand out your filthy, stinking rags. You shove those disgusting papers full of the same half ar$ed cut and paste articles from the Daily Mail and adverts for sh*tty new build apartments in Slough into peoples hands who are too polite to say no. I am going to slap you with the weighty novel I've taken to carrying around with me without actually reading it because I think it will impress pretty girls. They should find out who's organising this ritual inconvenience to the whole of London and hang them up by their knackers.

Stratergy meeting...Smatergy meeting more like!!

S’up bloggers and bloggets, I’m currently sat in our department’s monthly meeting and could think of no better time for updating my blog. Considering our Director has just drawn a picture of a leaking bucket in order to explain to the group how our business is currently a “leaky bucket” and described the Senior Management’s strategy for hitting a budget £1.5 million over projected growth as “magic”, I don’t think I’m missing much.

Some general thoughts and musings:

I’ve now decided I hate Radio1 and refuse to have it on even in the background. The worst aspect of this being the incredibly lazy journalism which rears its ugly head every half hour. Instead I’ve moved over to Magic FM… Dr. Fox’s smooooth classics are a great way to wake up every morning.

Lady GaGa’s new track is the worst piece of pop music I’ve ever heard in my life.

For some unknown reason I’ve started looking for a wedding ring on the fingers of those ladies I gawp at on the Underground. I have no intention of speaking to these women but subconsciously I still feel it necessary to look for silverware.

I’ve started carrying a handkerchief around with me as I think it looks much better than tissues or wiping snot on your jeans. I know I’m just carrying around the contents of my nose in my pocket but it just feels right OK?!

All five thoughts I’ve just mentioned along with my embarrassing fall in the shower this weekend have made me realise I’m a really old man.

I really want to get a Blackberry. Not because I will use its capabilities to their fullest extent, just because I think it looks cool. Is this the modern day equivalent of a Secondary School kid taking a briefcase to classes?

I re-watched The Office - UK edition again this weekend and it’s no longer a hilarious and outlandish take on a crazy world I’ve never been to, but a harrowing documentary on how pointless it is getting up every morning. I prayed this day would never come.

I’m going to work on my “I’m pretending to listen to you face”. It needs more eyebrow.

Still not heard anything from Doha and Qatar Airways. I’m starting to think that interview went really badly.

I can’t wait to see the gang down in London this weekend! I’ve planned a kick ass itinerary which should be waiting for you all in your inboxes.